How did she know?  This is the text I received- “Akka (sister) I am out walking with a friend.  Thought of coming by your home if you were free!”  This particular morning was typically “Perhaps she get out on the wrong side of the bed” kind of day.  Now you know what mood I was exactly in and I just wanted to be alone.  “We are actually very close walking by your home akka” was the next msg.  I wasn’t budging.  You would think I am hard hearted not to respond……whether I did or didn’t reply I don’t remember. It was perhaps a mechanism you come up with when you live alone for a long  time.   Perhaps I don’t want to let her into my home, my life, my mood, my space, my story, my bubble!  How I got into the bubble is what this little recap is all about.

I got that phone call ‘You ve won the best poster award on the University’s Research day’. Imagine if you got that call what would go through your mind…… when you know just the previous day you were in this big auditorium with hundreds of brilliant young minds presenting their hardwork , sweat and blood on a little poster board.  Better still they get to defend their work with 3 judges and a bunch of strangers (students, eminent scientists, professors, onlookers) who just think they have a right to question your work, analyze your rationale for the experiments and have a comment on what your hardwork would ultimately mean to the world of science!  They can leave you with a terrible feeling of emptiness that all you have done up until this point in your career as a PhD student is a waste of time  OR ignite you with appreciation and acknowledge the effort that has gone into making of that rectangle space poster board with paragraphs, bar graphs, microphotographs, standard deviations /standard errors and statistical significance let alone the biological significance of your work!

To me that phone call was like “Why did they pick me?”  I had witnessed the extraordinary and fabulous work of few of my fellow colleagues in harmony with their mentor’s inputs into their project.  As for me it was a struggle as I had to put the pieces together myself, as my mentor would want me to come up with my own ideas and not take a piece of her grant ideas as most graduate students did.  Probably good for me as I realize now 15 years later training me into independent thinking  but then when you think of other things ……….Oh no!  The tears, the turmoil, the  reading of  endless literature to find out what they have already done world wide so that  I can find some new hypothesis to immerse in an endless pursuit of finding “the answer”  to a question which might or might not exist was painful.  That too at a time point in my life, when I was just raw from divorce –  yeah raw as in when the bruises and cuts are still swollen, red, warm and painful……….it was too much to take!  Did I mention the previous 8 months (of 8hrs/day ) was wasted effort on nailing that one single crucial experiment to work that was critical to get that poster data.  Perhaps that’s why God thought it would be a good idea to boost my confidence with this award!

Yeah sure it did make me feel good – this sudden validation that I was ‘good enough’ in that big university, ‘ good enough’ amongst my peers ‘ good enough’ as judged by these expert judges – you know what I am talking about – the mountain top experience you sometimes climb in life so to speak – suddenly my heart flooded with joy – and I wanted to share it with someone.  But there was no one!  No one who would understand what this small ‘big’ victory meant to me. Oh wait! There was someone.  My dude from kindergarden.  I rushed through red lights, as usual the last mom to pick him up from daycare and told him  “Mom got an award today.  They gave me $100 ‘.  I couldn’t tell him even at the moment when they were giving me the check and the award the only thing that was on my mind was “ I am late to pick up my son from daycare.  I wish there was someoneone to pick up just today so I can soak in this little win in life”.   “Can I get a toy then?” his voice echoed.  What better way to celebrate the day than making my son happy. “Sure!” I said. Off we drove to ‘ToysRUs’ and I brought him a $15 toy which was unusually beyond my budget for a toy up until that time point. At the checkout counter, on hearing the cashier say “Mam that will be 15 dollars,  my lil’ dude said “ I thought you won $100 !!!”  Pheww! Kids I burst into a laughter.    Sometimes their perceptions are far beyond what we can think or imagine.  What happened to that child like wonder about this world, the inquisitiveness to know about the new neighbor who moved in, that new kid on the block, that girl who sits alone in class or eats lunch all alone or just  to roam around with a ton of questions about everything around me than just ‘What about me’?

After two more grueling years, at graduation, another epic moment for a single mom trying to earn this so called highest degree while contributing something to humanity to build better lives, in the midst of raising a kid in elementary school, in a foreign country there was another unknown angel to share the joy! The way I met her was strange.  I parked my car blocking her garage pathway as I had to rush to drop off my kid in school.  Though she was annoyed and approached to tell me that I shouldn’t be doing that she took the time to have a conversation which grew into a friendship for the next 2 years.  She was like an oasis in the desert of a single mom’s life.  She was a 80 year old ‘young woman’ who offered to hold on to my son from daycare when I got late with my experiments which always had an unpredictable way of stretching themselves in time. She would pick him up from day care as her home was just opposite the school to  just keep him for  10 -1 5 minutes, which I know with my little brat can seem like hours.  He would rummage through her refrigerator and drink up all the cranberry juice that she would have bought with her meager retirement funds and she would always smile about it and waive her hand as if it was no big deal. She had bought me a balloon which said “New grad” on this special occasion of graduation.  This silver haired frail angel and my smart  lil’ fellow in a little suit were the only ones in the big  audience that made my soul sing among of thousands of family members who had come to celebrate the mountain top moments of their sons , daughters, grandsons and granddaughters, nieces and nephews. Wow!  If not for her to keep my son while I received my PhD degree I worked for four grueling years, I would have been alone with everyone in that auditorium.

As I traversed through life I met many many interesting people – acquaintances, colleagues, bosses, church brothers and sisters and some others who called themselves friends.  There have been many epic moments – both mountain tops and deep valleys fall into that category and many a times I have felt surrounded by folks who were in and out of my life almost everyday but no one really knew me – my struggles, my challenges, the shaky girl inside the daunting woman soldier.   They didn’t know my story- they didn’t dig into the dust covered layers beneath that smile, accolades and enthusiasm.  They just didn’t have the time.  They had their families, their agendas , their 9-5 jobs,  their weekend family times, their commutes, soccer games,  their celebrations, their birthday day parties, pool parties, family reunions and so on and so forth.  I understood as I treaded through life that’s how it has been for good number of years now.  So now I hope you wouldn’t be judging me if I said I got comfortable in my bubble being alone and didn’t want not anyone burst my bubble , so to speak 🙂

But this girl was relentless . I got another text “When would you be free Akka?  I can swing by then”.  I had to yield.  She along with her walking buddy entered my bubble, made my living room couch her cozy zone, had no hidden agenda, just wanted to be there listening to my story if I opened up.  She even ordered lunch for all of us and served me in my home. Hmmm…………That was so different…to taste the kindness, care, concern along with the food she served ……after decades of coming across even close friends who don’t want to step out of their comfort zones to make that 5 minutes phone call  or  rather some others, who are  wary of stepping into your comfort zone in the context of being decent enough not  to pry into anyone else’s life.  Is it ego? Is it decency? Is it the loss of the child like curiosity? Is it good ? Is it bad?  Are they just not interested. Would they care if I am gone? Would they know if I am gone?  What is it?  Do we hear the silent cries of people around us?  I don’t know  ……..but I know this.

I noticed this one student in my class was very sad during my Friday class session. Usually he is the chirpy one.  I thought I will talk to him after class but other students crowded me after the class for a clearing their doubts and I realized as I drove back I missed him slipping out of the classroom.  Sunday I heard that he had taken his life!  The fireworks of questions that popped into my head that day,  I cant tell you ……could I have taken the time?  Could I have looked for him to answer a more important question on life itself than these trivial medical questions from textual knowledge? Could I have saved him?  Could I have made a difference. It  changed my perspective. Maybe if I took the time for a noticing, maybe if I took the time to call, to connect, to take someone for lunch to just hear their story, maybe I can get to know them better. Just maybe something I say from experience may heal their hearts perhaps even for that moment or day.  Several years later, I noticed a guy in a church bible study session again  a little moody than usual. Don’t know the guy.  Just seen this middle aged gentleman a couple of times prior in the group. I took the time to wait and meet with him after everyone dispersed. I was shocked and embarrassed that he broke down crying when I asked him “How are you doing today?”  His girl friend had just left him and he had no where to go.  I just listened  for the 10 min tearful venting and prayed with him after the outpouring of his heart.  Couln’t do much than lend an ear to his hearts cry.   I could tell I left him better than I found him.  Was it worth my time? Oh Yes! ……months later I met him again in church, smiling this time, talked to me for a few minutes ……..and as he left he said ‘Thank you for praying with me that day. I needed that’. You know, it takes very little effort to notice.   It takes very little to say you care as a fellow human being co-habiting the planet. It takes very little to bring joy into someone’s life, to soothe a wounded heart………to listen to their story………to go beneath a hi and a bye! We don’t need doctors to heal.  Just human beings being human.   If only each of us we took the time……….the world would be a better place!

I learned very soon this friend of mine had left her 3 little ones at home being summer holidays to spend time with me that day.  The youngest  one reminds me of my little one.  I met him the other day and he wasn’t in a good mood.  He usually runs to me to give me a hug when I visit them.  I asked him “What would you really really like to have this summer?’.  His face lit up instantly.  “A fire truck!”  “How big?” The smile got broader.  He drew in the air with his index finger the size of his firetruck.…… Today, as I wind up writing this blog I am off on a date at 3 pm with this 5 year old to get that red fire truck…I want to be on time …….after all,  what would happen if firetrucks and firemen arrived a little late!!  The time is now….tomorrow might be too late!

Isaiah 41:10 NIV